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Here's the list of "New Hack" words, phrases and formulae so far. This was based on an original conversation with comics Danny McLoughlin and Dan Nightingale (who then went out and impressively managed to deliberately squeeze in about 12 in his opening section).

Any names after quotes suggest the spotter/contributor of the phrase, not the performer of that phrase, although sometimes they may be one and the same thing.

It's not supposed to be judgemental, and it's not a witch-hunt.  All of this stuff was funny once, and maybe gets a laugh now, but the thing that makes it New Hack is that anyone can tack it onto their set to score extra "points", know as cheap laughs...  OK?  Now, strap in!


*** A few new rules ***

No "retro hack", otherwise known as "hack", eg no germans and sunloungers.
No commenting on how much you hate them, just submit them - we're building a clean database.
Be as specific as possible; no "the use of a ukulele" or "misogyny".
No bickering, keep it friendly.


"Boom!"

"Buckle Up!"

"That's how I roll"

"Fingering, next to/behind a bin/skip"

"Substance A (eg Gin) is made of Concrete Thing B (eg Tears) and Abstract Concept C (eg Regret)"

(while miming a thing deliberately badly) "I don't know what this is?!"

(while miming sex) "This isn't how I do it, by the way..."

 
im just going to move the mic out the way so you can see me - sal monello

... bit rapey - Tom Neenan

Any reference to catholic priests (and now Jimmy Savile) and children - Vaughan Yabsley

The use of the word c**t as a means to shock. - Ollie P

Hummus as a signifier for all things middle-class. - Alex Perry

"Hello Wembley" signifying that there aren't many people in the audience - Darren Walsh

"Apologies for starting on time..." referencing an audience member who walks in after the gig has started. - Darren Walsh

"That was new material" when a joke fails. This is especially bad when it isn't even new material. - Alex Perry

Noting your resemblance to a celebrity - Leo Kearse

"It was literally the most AMAZING thing I've ever seen..." - Alex Perry

Referring to where you live as a shithole, rough or hosting above average levels of knife crime, when it's actually a fairly decent area of South London - Leo Kearse

Ethnic parents. - Alex Perry

Telling an anecdote about your racist nan (who probably isn't racist in real life) so that you can do some racist jokes you've thought up - Leo Kearse

I can say that, because my dad's a....racist - Leo Kearse

If you're Scottish, referencing your unemployment, alcoholism, drug use or aggressive begging, when in fact you have a good job with a leading UK technology consultancy - Leo Kearse

Doing a 'yoot speak' accent. Particularly when there is no joke; you're just relying on the accent to get a laugh - Leo Kearse

Thinking you're Noel Pissing Fielding for just shouting about something abstract and pointless, eg "I am the hawk of DESTINY, Sir, and I'll SWOOP DOWN and carry off the cheesecake, etc etc" - Leo Kearse

Referencing the stereotype that black men have large penises - Leo Kearse

Greggs as a signifier for all things working-class. - Alex Perry

"My boyfriend can't be here tonight....because he doesn't exist!" - Leo Kearse

An Asian act accidentally causing fellow tube passengers to feel uncomfortable by wearing a large rucksack. - Alex Perry

Any flyer using the words 'Warning Contains Jokes' - Chris Boyd

"So I'm single now." After a joke about your partner - Bertie Jenner

Unicorns/Badgers/Jam. - Alex Perry

Any poster or flyer for a double-act with one of them pulling a "wacky" face and the other one pulling an "I'm-with-this-guy!" face. - Alex Perry

South-east Asian comedians assuring you they're not on stage to sell you DVDs - Bertie Jenner

.Rubbing one's head or playing with one's hair whilst mumbling "err" and/or "erm" in a deluded and affected manner to suggest an air of spontaneity and artistry. This is double-bad if also wearing a cardigan. Especially an over-s - Alex Perry

Especially an over-sized cardigan. - Alex Perry

Using "I can't remember who it was that said that..." as an excuse to steal someone else's material - Joe Warner

Using "from accounts" or "an accountant" as a go-to normal/boring job. - Tom

Calling a man in a check shirt "brokeback mountain". - Tom

Referring to a group of young men in the front row as a "boy band". - Tom

"So, I'll tell you a little bit about myself..." - Tom

"I laughed so much a tiny bit of wee came out!" - Alex Perry

"... and that was just the teachers!" - James Gill

"No, that't not how *INSERT TOPIC* works!" - Alex Perry

Skinny jeaned lunging. - Alex Perry

The self-indulgent "Gervais chuckle". As if you can't quite believe how hilarious you are. - James Gill

Ageing white middle-class comedians doing "yout'" material - with impressions. And teeth-kissing. - James Gill

Punctuating routines with meaningless glib phrases like "Happy days!" - Alex Perry

Mumbling slowly and unfunnily in circles around a topic, and thinking it'll make you like Stewart Lee. - Leo Kearse

"That normally gets a round of applause." - James Gill

"...So I shot him"/ "...So I stabbed him" in place of an actual punchline - Paul Savage

"Are we well?" - Alex Perry

[Grimly unpleasant details of personal life, living arrangements, journey, etc.] "Living the dream." - Isabelle

Any joke about the residents of Cornwall/Norfolk being inbred. Probably old hack as well, but it continues to infuriate me. - Richard Stainbank

Oh and the rules of 'Fight Club', vegetarian/vegan weakness, baby thieving Angelina & Madonna, being confused by which is Ant and which Dec, dropping the "C bomb", and all women/men being like ONE of them. - Isabelle

"I saw a unicorn with 2 horns the other day… could've been a goat" - Jonny Hamstring

This is definitely true, genuinely, this really happened etc. - Rob

Vajazzles - Leo Kearse

"... I don't know why I looked at you when I said that!" - Goldsmith

Establishing a premise, and then undercutting it with a comic conceit. HEARD IT. - Ed

LADIES! After saying something shit, "like I just drove here in my fiesta, LADIES" - Danny mc

"is this mic working?" (as if to blame the audience for not laughing) - Lainy Cobb

Ending an Edinburgh show with a story or routine that has no punchline but is meant to make the audience feel good about life. Particularly annoying if the preceding 55 minutes were very good. - Frankie

Ending an Edinburgh show with a story or routine that has no punchline but is meant to make the audience feel good about life. Particularly annoying if the preceding 55 minutes were very good. - Frankie

Ending an Edinburgh show with a story or routine that has no punchline but is meant to make the audience feel good about life. Particularly annoying if the preceding 55 minutes were very good. - Frankie

"...I said that joke at another gig once and someone said [annoying heckle] so I said [impressive put-down I actually thought of on the way home]" - Rhys James

One hand in the overly high pocket of a primary coloured suit-jacket - Joe

Kids playing music on their 'phones out loud, that's annoying - Nigel Lovell

I was part of the riots, how do you think I got these trainers. - Nigel Lovell

Riots in Edinburgh, people thought it was an avant garde performance. - Nigel Lovell

Doing Tube/Oyster Card material outside of London, particularly in Edinburgh - Nigel Lovell

So there I was wanking when my mother walks in...so she finished me off (or some other incestual reference) - Nigel Lovell

David Cameron - he's a cunt. (usually the only political "joke" in the set) - Nigel Lovell

"That's not a euphemism." - Tiller

"Give me a cheer if you're in a relationship... Gimme a cheer if you're single.... See how much happier they sound!" - J

Subverting the whole 'I know. what you're thinking...' bit to people who aren't aware of the original bit. Also, kooky ukeleles. - Lee Kyle

Referencing MySpace as being old fashioned - AndyMcH

Adopting Stewart Lee's mannerisms & vocal style because you are 17 and have been on a stand up course - and then using it to talk explicitly about anal sex, drugs, politics and everything else you have no real life experience or adequate understandin - Richard Sandling

I'm gonna make you laugh, but also move you with a story of my Dad dying. - Preston

In response to an over enthusiastic surreal heckle at a ComedyClub4Kids gig "Ah you must be Hector, yes I was warned about you " ;) - Paul C

Comedy about comedy. - Tony Woman

'This is the weirdest gig ever!!!!' (At a very mundane gig you're desperately trying to get some life into). - Gary Delaney

Any mention of Nando's or Jagermeister - Stuart McPherson

Anything that mentions Broken Dreams - Danny Mc

Anything that mentions Broken Dreams - Danny Mc

Referring to yourself as a maverick after saying you do something banal - Danny Mc

Russian Nanny - Richard Sandling

Saying "That split the room...about here" while drawing a line with your hand between yourself and the audience - Leo Kearse

Saying "I've split the room" when in reality you're dying on your arse - Leo Kearse

Any reference to Posh Spice being thin. - Lainy Cobb

References to Ryanair / Easyjet flights landing far away from the city you wanted to fly to - Lainy Cobb

50 Shades of Grey - Leo Kearse

Girls jokingly implying they want to be raped or see rape as a compliment. I know I was accused of misogyny for noticing this, but it happens, I can provide names if you don't believe me! - Leo Kearse

Any jokes on the characters of Geordie shore etc - Bren

Rohypnol - Leo Kearse

While talking to a couple in the audience, suggesting that she is too good looking for him - Leo Kearse

Stabby - Leo Kearse

Any African act that refers to 419 email scams; double hack if they then reference parking wardens. - Nigel Lovell

"This is happening!" (One of several lines regularly borrowed from Nick Helm.) - Alex Perry

A workplace anecdote culminating in "...so that's how I lost that job." - Alex Perry

when someone tells you your job you reply with, "what's your favourite......" for example, "an electrician you say?, what's your favourite wire?" - Danny mc

"Living the dream" - Brian Cant

Sarcastically quoting Beyonce lyrics. - Brian Cant

Similarly referring to your Milkshake bringing or not bringing anything to your yard. That song was ten years ago. - Brian Cant

A reference to gigging somewhere ordinary "because my career is on FIRE" - Alan Fletcher

"So, I come from the rough part of [any big city]. Which part? AAaaallll of it" - Alan Fletcher

Using a deliberate innuendo in a story, followed by - "Not like that! You perverts - you made it dirty. Not me! *chuckles as if to say 'what am I like?"* - Alan Fletcher

Using a deliberate innuendo in a story, followed by - "Not like that! You perverts - you made it dirty. Not me! *chuckles as if to say 'what am I like?"* - Alan Fletcher

Using a deliberate innuendo in a story, followed by - "Not like that! You perverts - you made it dirty. Not me! *chuckles as if to say 'what am I like?"* - Alan Fletcher

Reading out the ker-razy real life stories from Heat, Take A Break, Chat, or similar magazines - Leo Kearse

Recently did a gig where 3 acts did a story based on puns. I mean, I do that too but I have pictures so it isn't the same thing at all. Even though, on the surface, it seems like it is... - Lee Kyle

Prince Charles waiting for the Queen to die (or is that old hack?!) - Lainy Cobb

Talking about hack comedy - Justin M

Did you see what I did there? - Nigel Lovell

"Yes, I'm going there."/"Yes I went there." Example, "Politics; Yes I'm going there! Cameron's a cunt isn't he?" - Nigel Lovell

"Nice to see you, here in Fritzel's basement." In any gig that's underground. - Nigel Lovell

Talking about how as a comedian you just sit around on Facebook all day. - Jonathan DB

"Too soon?" (worse after something that happened a long time ago) - Jonathan DB

Saying you or audience member look like they've won a prize to go to Disneyland - Noel

"thats a thing right?" - Clark

"thats a thing right?" - Clark

Fat young men miming bumming people. The mime is the set up and the punchline is usually doing the mime a bit harder. - Sophie

"Hashtag lonely", or "Hashtag desperate" or any way of trying to be twitter LIVE! - Sophie

Any (not particularly camp) comic talking about their girlfriend, then asking the audience if they are surprised he's not gay" - AndyMcH

Chavs - AndyMcH

Chavs - AndyMcH

Referencing something you used to do when you were a child and then saying I was 28. - Tom King

Referencing something you used to do when you were a child and then saying I was 28. - Tom King

"Are you two a couple? That was brillaint, he said yes and she said no." No matter how they responded. - Dom Cross

"Satire, there..." - For use when a topical joke bombs. - Joe McLachlan

"It's like living in the future!" Normally when talking about something minor like the invention of squeezy mayonnaise. - Dom Cross

"It's like living in the future!" Normally when talking about something minor like the invention of squeezy mayonnaise. - Dom Cross

"Well this is awkward." - Dom Cross

"I think I've found your level now." After telling a crude joke that got some laughs. - Dom Cross

Walking onto the stage looking downbeat and/or 'weird' and not speaking straightaway in order to get a laugh when you say hello. Normally followed by surreal one-liners. - Dom Cross

"Have you got a friend who does x? If you don't it's probably you" - Simon Caine

Referencing technical aspects of stand-up writing (Rule of three etc.) to an oblivious audience in place of an actual joke - Dan McKee

Referencing your bad reviews... - AndyMcH

Ryanair don't fly to the destinations that they advertise - Andrew John Fillery

I know what you're thinking - John Hamilton

Shouting really loud rather than having an actually funny punchline. - John Forster

(When someone takes offence) That was a joke there... I'll be doing a few of them here this evening... - John Forster

Smugly claiming to have no jokes (and proceeding to do a set that really could have done with some). - Stu Richards

Too Soon ? - when performing some risky topical material that bombs - Mooncat

There was silence, apart from one lone voice at the back of the room who said - Brad Bridge

Performing some sort of strenuous activity (i.e. Lieing down and then standing up again a couple of times), Pretending to be out of breath and then saying "I didn't think this through!" - Liam W

Pretending to insult the town/region/country you're in with a cloaked compliment, such as "you party so much in X others would be freaked out", thereby appearing 'brave' while slavishly kissing the audience's arse. Double hack points if it - Rob Peters

Double hack points if its your home town by which point you're in a circle jerk. - Rob Peters

Just referencing the lyrics of a reasonably recent pop song with no punchline. eg "I bought this the other day. It was very expensive, but as Jessie J said, forget about the price tag" Bonus points if the song referenced is more than a year ol - David Tandy

Just referencing the lyrics of a reasonably recent pop song with no punchline. eg "I bought this the other day. It was very expensive, but as Jessie J said, forget about the price tag" Bonus points if the song referenced is more than a year ol - David Tandy

The boring world of IT, anyone boring who works in IT or anything boring to do with IT. Isn't it/they/that boring? (Yawn) - Mathew Smith

doing an accent and then saying "i don't know where i'm from". - thom tuck

doing an accent and then saying "i don't know where i'm from". - thom tuck

So, I’m from Essex. You may have heard of a little show…. - Daryl

Has anyone here done internet dating? - Daryl

"Have we got any vegetarians in?" Then something about them being too weak to respond. - Ros

Any stand-up comedy that isn't performed by me - James Cook

Telling an audience about something a different audience did or said. Not so much hack as just bad writing. Take the funny and recontextualise it. - James Cook

"What was I talking about?" because I'm such a free-wheeling improviser that my mind goes off on surreal flights of fancy for which I need the help of an audience to recover. - James Cook

People look mental when they talk hands free on their phones, don't they? - Leo Kearse

Doing your parent's Nigerian accent without a joke (eg just your Nigerian mother nagging you) - Leo Kearse

Asian comedians referencing minicab driving or how their mother wants them to be a Doctor - Leo Kearse

Thinking you're clever by using the word "tautology". It's a lazy reference that will automatically get a laugh from smug middle class audiences, just like a reference to Jeremy Kyle or Lydll does at working class gigs. Paul Sinha had a grea - Damian

Telling a shit story while doing a downward pointing claw ha-nd for no reason and overusing the adverb "genuinely". - damian

After a riff or bit of banter that's odd, but not funny, they will say "and that's the title of my next cd/dvd" or "I want that on a t-shirt" - ben

A comedian giving the audience permission to laugh at old/non-pc jokes by insisting that they are being ironic or pre-empting a crap joke by pretending to be a hack comedian. This is particularly new hack since comedians have been doing it for decades. - ben

"as a comedian..." - James

"You're punching above your weight" - Neil

"You'll be telling that at work tomorrow" - Neil

"Any Questions?" - Neil

Middle class people give their children stupid names/working class people give their children stupid names - John Tansey

'Who here has kids? Who doesn't? The second lot definitly sound happier!' - Matt Holmes

'Who here has kids? Who doesn't? The second lot definitly sound happier!' - Matt Holmes

'Who here has kids? Who doesn't? The second lot definitly sound happier!' - Matt Holmes

"This shit just got REAL!" particularly after an audience member has revealed something unremarkable about themselves - Leo Kearse

Starbucks ask for your name and then write it on your cup, providing endless opportunities for hilarity, apparently - Leo Kearse

Taking a drink from your water bottle to encourage an applause break. - Connor Wallace

Taking a drink from your water bottle to encourage an applause break. - Connor Wallace

Taking a dig at the price of theatre beverages as an introduction to the interval. - Connor Wallace

Sitting down on your onstage stool because you've got to a 'serious part'. - Connor Wallace

Saying something like, 'I'm going to go now. Goodnight!' Then coming back for the encore and saying something along the lines of,'You all knew I was coming back!' - Connor Wallace

[particularly at Edinburgh] Referring to the venue as a fire hazard, or words to the effect of: 'Bit of housekeeping: if there's a fire... we're all going to die' etc etc - John

So i was [doing something odd]. As you do. - Stuart

My lawyer has told me for legal reasons I have to to them as "[Insert well known company name with one letter changed]"... - Ian Miller

My names(Blank) and I'm the answer to the question what happens when you cross(something) and gok wang! - Jordan Turner

Saying "swings and roundabouts" at any point during a set. - Jordan Turner

Unexpected item in the baggage area - Rowland White

Saying you're going to try some new stuff, and then doing your tried and tested old stuff - Leo Kearse

"I don't know how many of you know this, but you have to submit your show name in March to get in the Edinburgh programme" as an excuse for an Edinburgh show name bearing little to no relation to the material in it. I think every touring Edin - David Tandy

"I don't know how many of you know this, but you have to submit your show name in March to get in the Edinburgh programme" as an excuse for an Edinburgh show name bearing little to no relation to the material in it. I think every touring Edin - David Tandy

Any reference to masturbating and crying. - J

That's my favourite joke. - Matt

That one normally gets more (or its worse cousin, borrowed from magicians: that deserves a round of applause.) - Matt

Check out the mad things the page 3 girl says! Or reporting any intentional humour as if it were unintentional. - Matt

Nando's. - Mathew Smith

Narnia - Tom Tea

Narnia - Tom Tea

Female comics opening with a reference to the size of their boobs. - Charlotte

You wont hear that on Mcintyre's roadshow as I'm......Edgy / Funny / To hard to handle for TV audience [In reality you're shit son & thats why your won't be appearing on there] - Mat Wills

Any reference to suicide bombers and virgins. Usually either Susan Boyle or male PC gamers. - David Tandy

Lists. - Sean Bennett

Replacement bus service - Andrew John Fillery

Blah blah blah something useless [pause] like Nick Clegg. (hear this EVERY week on The Now Show) - Bailey

Blah blah blah something useless [pause] like Nick Clegg. (hear this EVERY week on The Now Show) - Bailey

facebook - Paddy

Using the phrase "smashed it" / "stormed it" / "Kicked it in the dick" to describe how well you did at a gig with 8 people there - JonnyP

"Bastard love child of..." (Jesus and a Maths Teacher ect) - Liam W

Saying a sentence to an audience that creates a certain set of expectations, then immediately following it with a sentence that subverts those expectations. - Alexander Bennett

Taking 20 seconds to tell a joke, getting some laughs, then deconstructing it for five minutes and getting far, far fewer laughs - Alexander Bennett

Describing one's self as "random" because they used the word 'badger' or something equally "whimsical" - Alice

Describing one's self as "random" because they used the word 'badger' or something equally "whimsical" - Alice

Describing one's self as "random" because they used the word 'badger' or something equally "whimsical" - Alice

At the end of an "embarrassing" anecdote, the phrase "true story". - Alice

Taking your dick out and whirling it around like a helicopter while singing Rule Britannia and stroking a bald audience member's head. Come on guys, it's such old hack. - Johnny English

It's your own time you're wasting - Andrew John Fillery

'This guy knows what i mean....' Especially if the 'guy' is not in any way responding to the joke (old hack but still goes on) - Matt Thomas

'This guy knows what i mean....' Especially if the 'guy' is not in any way responding to the joke (old hack but still goes on) - Matt Thomas

'This guy knows what i mean....' Especially if the 'guy' is not in any way responding to the joke (old hack but still goes on) - Matt Thomas

speaking a set piece with progressive speed in order to incite a round of applause at the end - Mark Cornell

A compere asking a man / woman in the audience how long they've been with their partner. The partner hesitates due to being in the spotlight, but the compere uses this hesitation to suggest their marriage is in trouble. - Mark Cornell

Asking the audience a question and commenting on the exact number of responses and suggesting what the rest of the audience are thinking. "Who's from London?" (Response) "Four of you. The rest of you just just wandered in here like lo - Mark Cornell

This is what they genuinely said it was so beautiful. It's the best thing that's ever come out of someone's mouth etc - Mark Cornell

"What was I going to tell you" when you've lost your thread. - Mark Cornell

"Hello. ... That's the audience participation done." (Kudos to whoever wrote that first.) - Steffan Alun

venn diagrams - carl g

Amended versions of the 'My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius' speech from Gladiator - Andrew John Fillery

Any joke framed as a 'poem'. Usually read from a notebook that's snapped shut after one line. - Chris Turner

Any joke framed as a 'poem'. Usually read from a notebook that's snapped shut after one line. - Chris Turner

Rapping 90's hip hop songs to show you were a bit quirky as a child - Rob

Rapping 90's hip hop songs to show you were a bit quirky as a child - Rob

Doing the "Carlton" dance in loo of an actual joke. - Rob

Doing the "Carlton" dance in loo of an actual joke. - Rob

A lengthy, sprawling rant, delivered very quickly in the anticipation of an applause break. This is essentially shit rapping. - Phil Pagett

Quoting an imaginary piece of text supposedly written by a young person, pausing for two seconds and saying 'lol' as a punchline. - Ben

Dealing Anne Widdicombe, Peirs Morgan, Simon Cowell, CJ from Eggheads, Coldplay or any politician a non-specific insult. If you want to make me hate someone, make it somoene I don't already hate. - Ben

Pope Benedict XVI was a Nazi - Ben

"I need to lay off the LSD/strong cheese!" - Ben

"And that's when I knew, [TITLE OF SHOW]. Thankyou goodnight!" - Chris

Reading your own 'wacky' version of 50 shades of grey. - Si Buglass

Reading your own 'wacky' version of 50 shades of grey. - Si Buglass

Reading your own 'wacky' version of 50 shades of grey. - Si Buglass

Anything about nando's or tenna lady - EJ

It's lovely to be here in [town name] to be honest it's lovely to be anywhere as I come from [insert home town] - rowland White

Any reference to Crocs sandals being unfashionable - Bert Goldsmith

Any reference to Crocs sandals being unfashionable - Bert Goldsmith

doing an impreshon of someone then saying "I dont know why he was holding a microphone" - Martin Bearne

anything about what facebook would be like in the past - Martin Bearne

saying its your birthday or you have just had a baby just to get a round of aplause - Martin Bearne

reading new hack and thinking "yea but when I do it its diffreant" - Martin Bearne

cFMqGjOCsCodU - ZSBFjoezetuKH

Gratuitous, semantically empty modifiers, like 'genuinely', 'honestly', 'actually', 'pretty much' and the tag used by all Aussie comedians I ever heard 'to be honest'. EVEN THOUGH they are quite necessary for rhythmic building of tension up to a - Jorik Mol

Right after delivering a punchline, unnecessarily saying "ummm" or "uhhhh" over the top of audience laughter - Ethan Andrews

Right after delivering a punchline, unnecessarily saying "ummm" or "uhhhh" over the top of audience laughter - Ethan Andrews

Singing a parody of My Favourite Things - Ethan Andrews

I call that joke/That joke is called "Name of Joke" e.g. "Daily Mail Comments Thread Joke" - gaijintendo

Referring to 'Beautiful' by Christina Aguilera. I am guilty of said crime. - Jorik Mol

pmtRUbZCLD - EfgYpmIbP

any punchline that relies on the reveal of being in Tesco's, on a bus or similar public place - Becky S

any punchline that relies on the reveal of being in Tesco's, on a bus or similar public place - Becky S

Alright, calm down dad/ mum/ nan! - Becky S

Anything mentioning the process of finding or not finding Anne Frank - JamesG

Relying totally on your ethnicity or even worse ethnicity/gender for your material. - Gary Lynch

Constantly updating Facebook about how you are working on new material, and then never being seen telling a new joke in half a decade. - Gary Lynch

This is the most depressing list ever. All of my material has been mentioned here at some point in some shape or form - Luke

Being "revealed like a gameshow prize" in a circular sliding train toilet - Leo Kearse

So everyone on here is a 'mighty boosh' type and just hates punchlines? Some of these premises are hacky but some are just jokes - Andrew

Speling kurrectly - Martin Bearne

Comparing someone who lacks charisma to Terri Schiavo. - Ciaron ? Dochartaigh

Comparing taking a large dump to giving birth. Double hack if the dump is described as having features such as eyes or teeth. - Ciaron ? Dochartaigh

Describing an occurrence witnessed as "glorious" and using the word "hero" when referencing those involved. - Ciaron ? Dochartaigh

Vajazzles and administering them like a glitter and prit stick picture or pasta craft - Matt rees

"This is less of a gig, more of a hostage situation" - Leo Kearse

Don't laugh, this is my life! - Philip Simon

Saying you support gay marriage because they deserve to be as miserable as the rest of us - Matt rees

saying "It's true" after a joke - Helena Wyche

Anything that references 'poking' on facebook. - Toady Stone

If something slightly different or unusual happens, 'This is STRANGEST NIGHT EVER!!!' - Michael Bell

Anything bemoaning the drudgery of married life and your bird when we all know you're just grateful not to be masturbating in front of a mirror/Googling self - Fern

"Brokeback Mountain! EH? EH?" [said when more than one man in room is wearing checked shirt] - Fern

The acoustic toothbrush joke. Kudos to whoever originally wrote it obviously. - Ciaron ? Dochartaigh

Talking about how the snow in Britain brings everything to a halt even though it doesn't snow that much, not compared to CANADA where I'm from anyway! - Leo Kearse

You guys know there are no jokes left now, right? - Alan Jones

I have just sat through 4 student shows, everyone of them did a joke about self service checkouts at supermarkets - how can we stop this? - Michael Bell

[describe horrible video you saw online] "Is there anything on the internet I won't masturbate to?" - Ciaron ? Dochartaigh

"Are there any vegetarians/vegans in? Getting enough protein to clap, that's good." - Ciaron ? Dochartaigh

[audience member takes offence/walks out] "I talked about x, y and z earlier but this is the part that offends you?" It's a legitimate defense against blatant hypocrisy but it gives hacks the opportunity to win the crowd back after some (usua - Ciaron ? Dochartaigh

- after some weak or mean-spirited material. - Ciaron ? Dochartaigh

I'd like to see THAT Venn diagram! - Alex Winter

Jagerbombs. Have comedians heard of any other alcoholic drinks? - Tom Denton

"I know what your thinking..." [insert self-depricating comment] - Jack Simmonds

"thats a bigger laugh than it got in (name of supposedly crap town)" (said after a supposedly intelligent joke) - Alex Wilson

Making a scene out of crossing out a joke on a new material set - alex Wilson

Comics bringing everyday items on-stage for no other purpose than a gag about how they can now claim it against their tax - Tom

"...and that's a true story!!!" - Alex Collier

I've got 99 problems but the x ain't one - Tom

Anything to do with Michael Buble - Alex Wilson

Imagine if sat navs did sex. It would sound a bit like this - Leo Kearse

Doing a voice/accent and then saying "Don't know why it sounded like that" - Leo Kearse

Doing a voice/accent (especially a man mimicking a woman) and saying something like "Don't know why that sounded so gay" - Leo Kearse

Referring to Greggs as a patisserie - Tony Dunn

using Currys as the default place where a looser may work. - Jeff Japers

Saying "You're welcome!" post-joke (because you think you're Tony Law) - Mabel Slattery

"Now I realise only 10% of you got that reference [we all got it, it just wasn't very funny] and the others are thinking, 'I thought [previous unfunny whimsical shite bit] was niche' [AH GO FUCK YOURSELF]" - Leo Kearse

"It isn't just this for the whole show" - Kate

I farted while I was wearing headphones so...didn't...hear it! - Leo Kearse

I went to America on holiday and had to fill in this visa card which has some questions asking if I've been involved in terrorism which I think you'll agree are pretty silly! - Leo Kearse

"What else can I tell you?" - Rob Thoma

uniformdating.com - Rob Thomas

Movember. - Mo Vember

dyslexic's getting words confused - e.g I got S&M confused with M&S...that was a awkward shopping experience - Alice Matthews

Absent-mindedly fondling the mic stand with fully extended arm like it's a car gearstick and you're thinking about changing gear. - Rob

pointing out how hack mentioning Brokeback Mountain is - Adam

"I was in this situation, and this person said the most thing, it was !" - Leo Kearse

"I was in this situation, and this person said the most HYPERBOLIC ADJECTIVE thing, it was literally the most HYPERBOLIC ADJECTIVE thing I've ever heard, it was SOMETHING CLEARLY MADE UP" - Leo Kearse

Taxi driver. Can you put belt on cus I'm a shit driver. Ok. After journey driver says. Bet I'm better than you thought I was gonna be. Yes . Bet you say that to all the men. ... - Christopher Shaw

And by *insert word here* I really mean *opposite of first word*. - Lana

Beautiful, Hardworking Honest people. Honesty is the best policy. - Mark Silcox

Masturbation/Porn. If you can find a new angle that would be great but most open micers where guys talk about that they don't have any real punchline other than admitting they watch a lot of porn as if that is interesting to us - Liam

"And that's what we call in the business 'a call back'" - Jim C

Apparently when suicide bombers die they're promised 72 virgins. Now I don't know about you, but (insert your own, someone's definitely already done it reason why virgins would be inept at sex, are these female virgins or male virgins, I'd prefer som - Yianni

Saying that someone who does a tough job (fireman, soldier, skyscraper builder) thinks that being a stand-up is a tough job then riffing on it a la Stewart Lee/Dom Irrera. - Steve

Saying I know what you're thinking, someone you vaguely resemble has let themselves go ... - Steve

Comediennes (mainly) saying 'So, I'm single ...' after nearly every joke. - steve

Any and all 'ginger' jokes ... we are over this as a species ... - Steve

Impressions or comparisons to Micheal Mcintyre. - Dom

"You know when..." then saying something mildly amusing yet unfortunate or annoying that happened. Then saying, "That!" - Adam Wareham

Gigging in Newcastle? Why not mention that nobody wears a coat outside there? Or that the Bigg Market is a fairly undesirable place to hang around? - Darren

Saying the word "Satire" after a vague, uninformed political sentence with no punch line. - Jake Donaldson

Praising Hitler/The Third Reich for hosting a successful Olympics/getting the trains running on time... - Will B

dick jokes - Justin Aufwerk

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© Stuart Goldsmith 2012